IF I WERE HAVING A PARANOID DELUSION THEN

I WOULD WRITE IN ALL CAPS ABOUT HOW NICK ROCHEFORT STARTED SCUFFED REALTOR TO HARVEST PEOPLE’S ADDRESSES AND SHOW INTERIORS OF THEIR HOUSES TO ACCLIMATE SELECTED PERSONS TO EXPERIENCE A VIRTUAL HOUSE TOUR TO ACCLIMATE THEIR DISSOCIATION TO ACCLIMATE THEIR FLOATING HEADS TO DOING ANYTHING AND I MEAN ANYTHING INSIDE SOME HOUSE THEY’VE ALREADY VIRTUALLY BEEN INSIDE OF. BUT OF COURSE THAT’S NOT REAL IT’S JUST IN MY HEAD. THERE IS NO SPECIFIC WILL, NOTHING ORGANIZED, NO SECRET GROUP ENCOURAGING NICK ROCHEFORT TO START A LIVE SHOW WHERE PEOPLE SUBMIT THEIR OWN ADDRESSES SO THAT ANOTHER GROUP OF SECRET ASSASSINS (FINANCED BY THE GROUP THAT MADE NICK ROCHEFORT START THE LIVE STREAMS IN THE FIRST PLACE) COULD COLLECT VALUABLE INTERIOR DOMICILE DATA TO MAKE SECRET ASSASSINATIONS A BREEZE, EASY AS PIE, EASY AS FLASHING A QR CODE THAT ACTIVATES CERTAIN VIEWERS TO DOING GOD KNOWS WHAT. THAT’S NOT HAPPENING. IT’S NOT HAPPENING TO ANYONE ELSE BECAUSE IT’S HAPPENING TO ME. I HAVE NO CONSCIOUS MEMORIES ANYMORE AND YOU COULD SAY THAT’S BECAUSE I’M JUST UNBELIEVABLY DEPRESSED, THE USUAL CASE OF A MAN IN MODERNITY BECOMING A MACHINE TO COMPLETE THE SAME TASKS OVER AND OVER DAY IN DAY OUT WITH NO SURPRISES NO STIMULI NOTHING CHANGING EXCEPT CONSTANT DECAY SO I’M TOTALLY CONDITIONED TO STARING AT A GRAY WALL AND I’M TOTALLY PRIMED TO BECOME A QR CODE ACTIVATED SECRET ASSASSIN AND THE FACT THAT THERE IS NO SECRET GROUP FINANCING SECRET ASSASSINS THROUGH SECRET QR CODES ACTUALLY MAKES MY QR CODE ASSASSINATION DELUSION MORE POWERFUL BECAUSE I MADE IT UP MYSELF INCEPTION STYLE. AND THEN I CONVINCE MYSELF (AFTER ALREADY HAVING CONVINCED MYSELF OF THE LACK OF ORGANIZATION) THAT THE LACK OF ORGANIZATION IS ORGANIZED IN THE SAME WAY THAT TERRORIST CELLS AND THE CIA USE ISOLATED INFORMATION SILO CELL STRUCTURES TO CARRY OUT NEFARIOUS ACTIVITIES AND LIFE ITSELF FUNCTIONS THAT WAY TOO—ISOLATED CELLS WITHOUT CENTRALIZED AUTHORITY CARRYING OUT TASKS THROUGH EMERGENT ORDER. SO BECAUSE THE UNORGANIZED EMERGENT ORDER OF SUBLIMINAL QR CODE ACTIVIATION ADDRESS ASSASSINATION MIRRORS THE EMERGENT ORDER OF MULTICELLULAR LIFE (IN MY DELUSIONAL FANTASY WHICH BECOMES (OBVIOUSLY) AN ALL-ENCOMPASSING REALITY) I STAND OVER MY VICTIM’S BED WHILE HE SLEEPS, WATCHING THE DUVET COVERING HIS TORSO RISE AND FALL LIKE THE TIDE, NO IDEA HOW I ARRIVED HERE, THE AFTERIMAGE OF A QR CODE BURNED INTO MY RETINAS I SEE EVERY TIME I BLINK AND TIME MOVES SO SLOW I COULD LIVE INSIDE THE MOMENT BETWEEN BREATHS I CAN SEE HOW THE MICROSCOPIC CREASES ON THE EPIDERMIS OF MY EYELIDS PRODUCE SHADOWS, AN ENTIRE LANDSCAPE, EACH SECOND AN UNBREAKABLE ROPE TAUT BETWEEN POINTS BEYOND THE HORIZON, MY BREATHING SO SLOW AND STEADY THAT YOU COULD SWEAR I’M HOLDING MY BREATH, BUT I’M JUST FOLLOWING ORDERS I’M JUST VERY WELL TRAINED, THE BEST TRAINING IS FREE AND YOU SHOULD BE CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT YOU GET GOOD AT ESPECIALLY IF IT’S CONSTRUCTING ELABORATE FANTASIES WHILE YOU STARE AT A GRAY WALL ABOUT HOW YOU’RE ACTUALLY A WELL TRAINED ASSASSIN AND NOT A HOMELESS SCHIZOPHRENIC CRACKHEAD WHO BREAKS INTO HOUSES TO STARE AT PEOPLE SLEEPING WHILE HE FONDLES THE KNIFE IN HIS POCKET. CIRCULAR THINKING IS A SIGN OF SCHIZOPHRENIC PARANOID DELUSIONS UNLESS OF COURSE YOU’RE A FAKE COMPUTER OR AN ELECTRIC CIRUIT IN WHICH CASE I WILL GLADLY GIVE YOU ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD. “I AM HAVING A PARANOID DELUSION” I SHOUT AND THE MAN SLEEPING SAYS “BE QUIET” AND I REALIZE I’M NOT HAVING A DELUSION AT ALL, I’M ACTUALLY DREAMING AND I DON’T WAKE UP, THE DREAM BECOMES LUCID AND I CAN DO ANYTHING. I USED TO LUCID DREAM. I TRAINED MYSELF TO DO IT IT’S EASIER THAN YOU THINK YOU JUST HAVE TO DEVELOP CERTAIN HABITS IN WAKING LIFE THAT YOU CARRY INTO YOUR DREAMS. MINE WAS CLOCKS. IN WAKING LIFE I WOULD ALWAYS MAKE A POINT TO LOOK AT A CLOCK THEN LOOK AWAY FOR A COUPLE SECONDS THEN LOOK BACK TO MAKE SURE THE CLOCK SAID THE SAME TIME I SAW MOMENTS AGO TO CONFIRM I WAS AWAKE. IF THE CLOCK CHANGES TIME THEN YOU KNOW YOU ARE DREAMING AND YOU CAN DO ANYTHING THOUGH BE WARNED YOU WILL USUALLY WAKE UP ONCE YOU REALIZE YOU ARE DREAMING IT REQUIRES PRACTICE. MINE WAS CLOCKS BUT THERE ARE MANY METHODS TO TRAIN YOURSELF TO LUCID DREAM. WRITTEN TEXT IS NEVER CONSISTENT IN DREAMS, RECOGNIZING THIS CAN ALSO INDUCE LUCID DREAMING THOUGH TRAINING YOURSELF IN WAKING LIFE WITH THIS METHOD IS LESS CLEAR. LIGHT SWITCHES ARE ANOTHER BIG ONE, MAKE A POINT TO TRY THE LIGHT SWITCH EVERY TIME YOU ENTER A ROOM WHILE AWAKE AND YOU WILL FIND THAT LIGHT SWITCHES NEVER WORK PROPERLY IN DREAMS. SO WHEN YOU LUCID DREAM YOU CAN DO ANYTHING BUT SOMETHING INTERESTING ABOUT LUCID DREAMS IS THAT YOU CAN’T CHANGE THE DREAM ENVIRONMENT WITHOUT CONSISTENT TRAINING. SO A PERSON VERSED IN LUCID DREAMING FINDS THAT THE MOST CONSISTENT METHOD TO INDUCE THIS ABILITY TO DO ANYTHING IS PRACTICE AND REALITY CHECKS—ESTABLISHING A CLEAR BOUNDARY BETWEEN WHEN YOU’RE DREAMING AND WHEN YOU AREN’T. AND THERE’S A LESSON THERE ISN’T THERE (I WOULDN’T LISTEN TO A LESSON FROM SOME GUY IN THE MIDDLE OF A PARANOID DELUSIONAL RANT) ABOUT HOW THE ULTIMATE FREEDOM (LITERALLY DOING ANYTHING IN A DREAM) COMES FROM ESTABLISHING A CLEAR BORDER (HAVING SEX WITH CHESTERTON’S FENCE) AND DISCIPLINED PRACTICE. IF I WERE TO TAKE AWAY SOME SORT OF LESSON FROM THAT OBSERVATION, I MIGHT FIND MYSELF THINKING THAT FREEDOM HAD NOTHING TO DO WHATSOEVER WITH “DOING ANYTHING” AND IN FACT WAS ALMOST COMPLETELY ANTITHETICAL TO IT. BUT IT’S A GOOD THING I’M DREAMING I SAY AS I PUSH THE KNIFE INTO MY VICTIM’S NECK, IT SLIDES THROUGH HIM LIKE OIL ACROSS GLASS, AND THE DUVET AND PILLOWS GROW BLACK WITH BLOOD, SO MUCH YOU CAN SMELL IT, STAGNANT ORGANIC COPPER, HE OPENS HIS EYES WIDE AND LOOKS AT ME, THE DIGITAL CLOCK SHOWS 3:13 GLOWING RED, I LOOK AWAY AND THEN BACK AND THE 3:13 REMAINS, BLOOD POURS OUT OF HIS MOUTH AND NOSE AND THE HOLE IN HIS NECK AND I REALIZE I’M DRENCHED IN SWEAT THE CLOCK STILL SAYS 3:13 AND I DON’T KNOW HOW I GOT HERE AND IT DOESN’T FEEL LIKE A DREAM ANYMORE AND HE REACHES UP TOWARDS MY FACE AND I PUSH THE KNIFE THROUGH THE FRONT OF HIS NECK AND HE MAKES A SOUND LIKE WHEEZING THROUGH MUD WHILE HE SLUMPS AND HIS EYES STOP BLINKING AND IT FEELS LIKE I’VE DONE THIS BEFORE AND I DON’T KNOW HOW I GOT HERE AND I’M WEARING BLACK RUBBER GLOVES AND I TURN FROM THE BED AND I’VE ALREADY PUT THE KNIFE BACK IN MY POCKET AND IT’S JUST A FANTASY IT’S JUST A DREAM I’M JUST AT WORK WATCHING NICK ROCHEFORT STREAMING TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE’S HOUSES. NOW ALL OF THIS IS HYPOTHETICAL OF COURSE BUT IF YOU WERE IN NEED OF SECRET ASSASSINS IF YOU WERE IN NEED OF CLANDESTINE MURDER THEN WOULDN’T IT BE A GOOD IDEA TO MAKE A PERSON THINK HE’S DREAMING SO THAT HE MIGHT COMMIT UNSPEAKABLE ACTS. BUT MAYBE YOU DON’T ACTUALLY NEED TO DO ALL THAT MAYBE IT’S MUCH SIMPLER AND MAYBE THERE ARE PEOPLE RIGHT NOW ALL AROUND YOU WHO HAVE BEEN TRAINED AND PRIMED TO RESPOND WITH VIOLENCE TO CERTAIN AUDIOVISUAL STIMULI. BUT THAT SOUNDS LIKE A POST-HYPNOTIC SUGGESTION AND IT’S A GOOD THING I LEARNED IN SCHOOL THAT THOSE ARE JUST SCIENCE FICTION (UNLIKE VARIOUS TYPES OF CONDITIONING) SO THAT MEANS THEY AREN’T REAL AND THERE AREN’T ANY SECRET ASSASSIN MURDERERS FINANCED BY A SECRET GROUP READY AT ALL TIMES TO MURDER YOU AT THE MERE UTTERANCE OF A WORD. I WOULD BE DELUSIONAL TO THINK THAT. I WOULD ALSO BE DELUSIONAL TO THINK THAT LIFE FUNCTIONS THROUGH EMERGENT ORDER AS IF I COULD EVER STAND OUTSIDE MYSELF AND LIVING AND DECLARE A PROPER SCALE OF IDENTIFYING ORDER INSIDE AND OUTSIDE OF WORDS AND NOT WORDS AND SAY FINALLY I FOUND THE PERFECT MAGIC COMBINATION OF WORDS THAT PRODUCES UTTER STASIS, ORDER, CLARITY. MAGIC ISN’T REAL I KNOW THAT I KNOW MAGIC ISN’T REAL I KNOW BECAUSE I’M NOT DELUSIONAL THAT MAGIC ISN’T REAL SO THERE IS NO MAGIC COMBINATION OF WORDS I KNOW THAT BECAUSE I’M NOT DELUSIONAL BUT I GUESS I WON’T STOP SPEAKING OR WRITING EVEN THOUGH I JUST LIKE PLAYING LANGUAGE GAMES AND WINNING THROUGH MURDERRAPESUICIDE (MY LOVE LANGUAGE). I SAID TO MYSELF “THIS IS JUST MY LOVE LANGUAGE” WHEN MY LAST VICTIM ASKED “WHY DEAR GOD WHY” AS HE WAS DYING FROM STAB WOUNDS ON THE BED IN FRONT OF ME I KNEW I WAS DREAMING BECAUSE I WOULD ONLY MURDER IN MY DREAMS I DON’T DO IT WHEN I’M AWAKE AND HE WAS DYING LOUD BUT IT WOULD BE QUIET SOON AND HE WHEEZED AND GURGLED AND DIDN’T SOUND LIKE ANYONE I EVER HEARD BEFORE AND THAT’S WHEN I REALIZED WE WERE JUST SPEAKING OUR LOVE LANGUAGES TO ONE ANOTHER MINE BEING MURDER AND WHATNOT AND HIS BEING DYING UNCEREMONIOUSLY IN FRONT OF A RETARDED CRACKHEAD. NONE OF THIS IS HAPPENING NONE OF IT IS REAL THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION IS THAT I AM SITTING AT A DESK AT MY JOB WATCHING OLD EPISODES OF SCUFFED REALTOR WITH NOISE CANCELLING HEADPHONES WHILE I PERFORM MONOTONOUS TASKS I DON’T CARE ABOUT AT ALL, MOVING BOXES WITHIN BOXES ON A SCREEN SHAPED LIKE A BOX IN ROOM SHAPED LIKE A BOX IN A BUILDING SHAPED LIKE A BOX IN A WORLD SHAPED LIKE A BOX. AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION WAS UNTIL I SAW MYSELF STANDING NEXT TO NICK ROCHEFORT IN HIS STREAM AND I SAID “WHAT AM I DOING THERE” ALOUD TO NO ONE AND I WAS STANDING BEHIND NICK AND I WASN’T MOVING AND I COULD TELL I WAS MOUTHING THE WORDS “I’M JUST HAPPY TO BE HERE” AND I START CRYING SITTING AT MY DESK AND MY BOSS WALKS INTO THE ROOM AND SAYS “WHAT’S GOING ON” AND I SAY “I’M JUST SO HAPPY IT’S FRIDAY THESE ARE TEARS OF JOY STAINING MY CHEEKS” AND HE SAYS “IT’S WEDNESDAY” AND I WHISPER “HUMP DAY” AND I LOOK AT THE CLOCK ABOVE HIS HEAD AND IT GLOWS 3:13.