MONO TONY
I told my boss that I feel like a loser. It, like most things, probably doesn’t matter. Both that I feel like a loser and I, for some reason, told my boss. Neither of these things matter. I show up to work on time every day and I get things done. I will continue to do this and feel like a loser and nothing will change except I will get older and more rigid. I turn thirty this year and I can already feel it taking hold. The resignation. Yes, this is in fact it. Life is not a movie. Gimme some righteous violence. I think most men crave this and when they don’t get it they go insane. Most men are insane and lying about it all the time. Most men are lying all the time. That’s what most jobs are. Just lying. Lying all the time and convincing yourself that’s not what you’re doing but you aren’t insane because everyone else is playing the lying game too and you all get along nicely on your playdates. Every day a playdate between grown up men who are children. Lying all the time.
How the fuck am I not supposed to laugh? Surrounded by clowns with shiny red noses all the time every day and I’m not supposed to laugh. Fuck I love laughing. Making someone laugh gets me hard. Only a couple great apes do something like it and all our theories about its evolutionary origins are shit, uh it signals that you aren’t going to kill the other person or something, don’t you dare laugh at the very serious man. It’s very serious business, don’t you know? Taking out a loan against a loan then selling it or something, at no point producing anything, at no point doing anything beyond writing an email with spelling mistakes and pressing a button, this is considered legitimately one of the most serious things a man can be doing. Me I wanna fuck and kill. That’s serious and you know it’s serious but only a clown wants to kill and fuck. You liar. You lying liar. Men wanna break some shit. You’re fucked up if you don’t. Fuck you. You gotta sublimate the impulse bro and become number one salesman good boy. You’ll be so good if you can hit these sales quotas, quarterly revenue will be like up, it will like totally increase, man, and that’s serious business. An increase of nothing is serious business. Growth is a flow over a stock, nevermind that there’s no stock, the number went up, it’s serious. This is everything around us all the time and it’s so fucking serious. If you’re like bro, nothing grew, we’ve been doing the same thing for years and there’s no product, it’s just virtual numbers representing other virtual numbers rehypothecated to other virtual numbers to increase other virtual numbers then you aren’t very serious. A serious man wears his clown nose with dignity and nods with the other clowns. The clowns don’t laugh. There is serious work to be done, no time for laughing and certainly no laughing matter. Damn dude how am I supposed to avoid laughing. That’s why I feel like such a loser. My clown nose don’t fit. My clown shoes is too small. Big time laugh boy here, living to do it and surrounded by funny as fuck clowns who don’t laugh. They be telling jokes though. Boy do they tell jokes. This is serious, they say. Ha ha. Fuck.
MONO TONY. I say it imitating Tony Soprano. No one laughs except me (it’s okay, they’re fat and boring and I have looks and charisma to spare, fat fucks.) Guess I’ll keep laughing. I pretty much can’t help it (this is why I will remain a loser idiot.)
Babe, the days blend together and I can feel myself going insane. I’m your boss, babe tells me. Then why do you look like my baby babe sweet thing (I look hot as fuck saying it, I’m totally serious.) My boss is grossed out but kinda intrigued. He’s never done anything like this before. Anything like what, I say, pretending to read his mind, but really I’m autistic and mega-conscientious and hyper-aware of his body language and that means I can see him stroking his little pecker over top of the pants he’s worn to work for the last three days. Dude isn’t even hot but what the hell I’m bored and losing my mind, I might as well tease the sick fuck like God intended. He starts to sweat and I can totally tell he wants my sweet ass but in the time between entering his office and seeing the grease stain on the lower part of his polo shirt (how did it get so low? nasty) I’ve basically become a different person and I also haven’t been horny in weeks. I don’t tell him this, of course, I don’t want to hurt his feelings, he’s my boss and my horny side chick, after all, I can’t keep disappointing people. I actually say that last part out loud while he’s licking his lips, I say “I can’t keep disappointing people,” shaking my head and walking backwards slowly. The realization that he won’t get my sweet young (kinda hairy) ass dawns on him and he actually frowns while I close the door in front of me (because I’m walking backwards.) There’s still a couple hours of the work day left and I don’t want to make things awkward with my boss or coworkers so I shut the door to my office and blast drum and bass music (I have a public playlist I made.) When I leave for the day and I’m in the parking lot I can see my boss in his office looking right at me with his fingers showing the letter L on his forehead.